Coming into the pointy end of the year...........................

As we come screaming towards the end of 2014 and openly embrace the new year I have much to be thankful for.
I have gratitude in abundance and I am very fortunate for the people and things I have in my life.
2014 was a year for learning so much.
It was a year of solitude, calmness, challenges, focus on health both physical and mental.
It was a year to challenge my way of thinking and feeling, reassessing my ongoing relationships with people and coming to conclusions, particularly about letting go of friendships that no longer serve me.
Having an autoimmune disease has made me stop sharply in my tracks and reassess my whole life and those that are in it.
Many people have fallen by the wayside. Many have made promises that have not been able to be kept for one reason or another.
I am at peace with that and release it all back out to the Universe with no malice.
I guess the good thing is that I will now not do anything that is not a "Hell Yeah".

Family is very important to me.
My view is that you do not have to be blood or marriage related to be my family.
My Husband and I are on the same page about this one. We have many beautiful people in our lives that we class as Family.
We have Family that we now don't class as family.
At some point I guess you just have to let it all go through to the keeper and make yourself and those closest to you happy.
I can bare the brunt of peoples stupidity, anger and down right rudeness, but it does not mean I have to like it or even put up with it.
Time to run our own races in 2015. Time to be daring and adventurous, time to feel alive and time to live and love like there is no tomorrow.
Cause as Taylor Swift says...... "The haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate...... so SHAKE IT OFF"
Bring on 2015..........................The year of ME.

The squeaky wheel keeps squeaking in an attempt to gain attention

Having time to sit, reflect and contemplate my navel whilst being unwell has been good for me.

For the first time in my life I can say I have time to breathe and attain clarity in my mind.

For the last twenty years I feel like I have been a hamster in a wheel spinning faster and faster out of control with only snippets of pure joy.

I have found that I am tapping into my inner self and discovered how sensitive I truly am.

The biggest thing for me has been that I have the ability to really read people and if I am not careful, sometimes take on their issues magically by what seems to be osmosis.

This morning I have read a post on Facebook from someone that I was instantly repelled from when I first met him. I can say that the feeling about this person has not changed.
The crux of the whole situation is that he belongs to a club and the club is not doing what he wants. He is also not the centre of attention despite all of his attempt to create drama and be the centre of attention.
I feel so sorry for his wife who has to deal with him on a daily basis.

This is just one example of someone pushing their own barrow and stamping their feet when they don't get what they want.

Another example is the birth mother of my step child.
Seriously, you would think that you would do all that you could for your children. In my mind you need to support their decisions providing that the decision is in the child's best interest.
You do not blackmail your child and threaten to move away if they do not do what you want them to do.

There are so many pressures and conditions that you can self impose in this lifetime.
What I need to do is free myself from them and make sure if it is not a "Hell Yeah" then it is a NO.

Reducing Inflammation with a Vitamin C and B Infusion with saline

Having Fibromyalgia/CFS/ME my body is in pain the majority of the time.
I recently discovered that my liver was not really happy.
I guess this is probably because of my hormonal imbalance as well as inflammation from allergies and food intolerances.
With nothing to lose but everything to gain, I booked in for a Vitamin C & B infusion via a 2hr drip.
After having the infusion I developed a headache which lasted for about 5 hours.
Day 2 I had increased fatigue.
Day 3 I found that a lot of the pain had left my body.
I usually have pain in my hands, fingers, back, shoulders and feet.
The pain has gone. I guess I will have to wait to see how long it lasts.............
The down side is that my right arm at the site where the drip was administered has blown out the vein.
Biggest thing is that Stress = Pain in my body.
So in moving forward, I have to keep stress to a minimum, continue to eat Gluten free diet and continue the lifestyle changes to keep on the path to wellness.

Mind Body Green Article.

I have just read this article on the Mind Body Green website ( www.mindbodygreen.com ) and it resonates with me, particularly at this time in my journey. For this reason I have shared it and will keep it here as a reminder.

"Why you have to destroy doubt to create the life you want"

By Danielle Orner

November 5, 2014
 

Today is my 40th birthday. Last year I reflected upon some life lessons (which I just updated with my 40th lesson), and this year I'm sharing some of the great books I've read. It's the list I wish I  Read

My girlfriend and I went to see the "Mandala of Compassion" exhibition at the Hammer Museum on the last day it was up. We decided to watch the ceremony on the live-cam and then go into the small room where the monks were after they completed the mandala.

While I was explaining to my girlfriend how anyone could come watch as the monks chanted over their intricate designs infusing them with prayers of compassion for all beings, the ceremony began. Then suddenly, just after painstakingly placing grain after grain of coloured sand, a monk swiped his hand swiftly through the finished piece.

I was shocked. Somehow, I'd forgotten the main point: mandalas are a ritual. By definition, they are "destroyed" as soon as they are finished. But was anything really "destroyed"? I asked myself. A good question.

After watching the procession, and remembering the meaning of the mandala, my girlfriend and I were able to laugh at ourselves. We kept our tickets as a humorous act of self-acceptance, to remind ourselves of how silly we were to forget the main lesson of the mandala ceremony at first. We didn't judge ourselves and moved on.

It occurred to me then that the mandala ceremony could teach us all about how to make peace with self-judgment and doubt. Here are six particularly helpful steps ...

1. Give up on "what ifs."
As we approach a new goal, we're often overwhelmed by all possible "what if" statements. What if I try and try and try and still fail? What if I never finish? What if I'm not talented/disciplined/smart enough?

We are so focused on outcome that we can't bring ourselves to place that first grain of sand on the board. We forget that the idea of "finished" is an illusion. We are always learning, changing, doing and redoing. We need to make peace with that constant state of flux in order to grow.

2. Picture where you might be going, and then ditch the idea of a single destination.

The lesson of the mandala also reminded me of the Mother Teresa poem that hung on the wall of my college's career center. One line read: "What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway." In fact, her answer to all disappointments, setbacks, and complications in life was basically, "Do it no matter what."

If we are able to maintain our focus in the present, and to speak and act with full connection to our experiences, we aren't so focused on expectations for ourselves. When we are present, we allow ourselves to be surprised and open to new opportunities we may not have considered.

3. Practice. Practice. Practice.
Watching the monks carry the sand out to be brought to the ocean, I thought of all the times I had to make a leap of faith to begin. Going vegan. Getting on the yoga mat at the gym for the first time. Every time I've started a new job. Looking back, all those "what ifs" seem silly now. I can hardly remember how hard it was in the beginning.

If starting over is hard for you, practice. Erase the photos on your phone. Have an Etch-a-Sketch or mini Zen garden or PlayDough on your desk. Do anything that gives you joy independent of outcome.

Kids are good at this. They dig holes. They spend hours building cities just to knock them down. They think bubbles are amazing.

4. Don't be afraid to throw things out and start all over again.
Recently, a screenplay I spent several years writing was optioned. I was so proud and excited thinking that this was the end of all my hard work. At my first meeting, I assumed they'd ask me to do a few edits. Instead, the development coordinator asked me to write a brand-new outline.
She explained that starting from the beginning would help me let go of lingering problems from all the other drafts. Doubts began to haunt me. Maybe they never liked the script in the first place? Or what if I flat out wasn't a good writer?
Then I remembered the mandala. I decided I could let go of the old design. I could create another and another. That knowledge gave me the ability to start again.

5. Remember that destruction is ALWAYS part of creation.
We all have scripts we have laboured on for years: the ones in our head. It's scary to let them go. We wonder if we really can be different. And yet, change is our very nature.
But really we are always creating and destroying. How do we get stronger at the gym? We tearing down our muscles by working them. Then they build up again, stronger. We cook elaborate feasts for our friends and family, and then what happens? Our efforts are digested by our guests, and we're left with nothing but crumbs. We get rid of things we've outgrown. Always, no matter what, something must end for a new thing to begin.

6. Give meaning to your process (heck, even dedicate it to someone else).
Think of the monks who woke every morning to chant over their work. They used their task as a way to focus their minds on compassion. Can you dedicate your journey to compassion rather than doubt?

When I begin to doubt my abilities as a writer or a yogi, I switch my thinking to other people. Who will my readers be? Who are my students? Then, I think about what I want to show them. My abilities become secondary. The work and the time all become worth it because I can't put a price on the message I want to share.

We all have people watching us, learning from the way we live. As you work on the mandala of your life, find freedom — not fear — in the knowledge it can all be swept away and transformed again.

 

Acupuncture and Chiropractic in the same day.

It has been 12 months to the day since I have been to the Chiropractor.

This morning I had my regular acupuncture/massage therapy session and thought I would follow it up with a chiropractic session a few hours later to try and get myself aligned.

I think this was a massive mistake.

I have now ended up with a migraine type headache after a neck adjustment and I have feel a symptomatic crash coming on.

Bugger....... have been doing really well with pacing and simplifying my life lately.

Release of a blockage and I don't mean a drain.........

I know that it probably sounds "New Age" or "Hippy" but I have been feeling blocked or stuck.
Since having Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME/Fibromyalgia or what ever this thing is, I have had a disconnect in my body.

Today for the first time, I have felt a clearing of the blockage. I am just hoping that I can maintain this for a little while.
Despite doing yoga and using a pilates roller I have remained stuck.
Today my acupuncturist/massage therapist unlocked the parts that were really stuck.
I, for the first time in a long time gave permission to myself to be human.

Writing this blog and allowing the world to peer into my internals has helped free me as well.
We are all so caught up in appearances and not showing our real selves that we mask everything.
In thinking about this further I have come to the conclusion it is because we fear ridicule, appear to be weak and try to show courage in the face of adversity.
Well, this is true in my case.

So, I feel like I have had a huge break through. Facing fears, facing reality, ridding myself of unwanted and unrealistic expectations is part of the journey.

This is my race to run, no one can tell me how to run it............... I maybe the last to cross the line but I will have done it my way and I will be content in the way in which it has been won.

When is a "LOL" not an "LOL"???????

Something that has been bugging me for a while.........................

I am on Facebook, as most people in the cyber connected world are. (Maybe that is a huge generalisation but I will make it anyway.)

It seems that some people in their posts make outlandish statements and sometimes quite pointed, hurtful and rude comments.

I have over time, read comments that have made me repel back from the keyboard and internal thought........ wow....... did that person really mean to say that?????

It seems that as long as you put a LOL at the end of it....... everything is ok.

What gives the right for a person to take a swipe at someone and "LOL" it to then make an attempt to take the sting out of it ?

In "LOLing" it seems that this gives a window of opportunity. An opportunity to be able to blame the person it was targeted at if they take offence or get upset by the comment.

"I was only joking" "Didn't you see my LOL (insert smiley face here)

I say why don't you just man/woman up and own it.

Say what you think, but remember, your words have the potential to hurt and harm others.
Some people are not as robust as you maybe.

For my money, I will always say that most people do not go out of their way to hurt people or make them feel bad. (although there are exceptions to the rules as we all know)

I also think that most people write "their truth" when making comments of web pages, Social Media and the like.
It maybe wrapped up in a different package........ throw away comment, funny remark, direct statement...............

If you have the guts to write it, then have the guts to own it.

  

Where things are at..................

It is 1 week since my Mum, Sister and her daughter left for Paris, 1 day after my 45th Birthday, 6 Months since I became unemployed and 9 Months since I stopped work.
I miss my family, I am another year older and I miss working.
My life has changed in so many ways.
I have learned so much and have become thankful for so much.

Today has been quite a difficult day on many levels. My energy has been at an all time low.
I did not make it to my Step-sons engagement party. This was quite sad for me.
Drake has been in my life for 7 years. I have seen him grow from a young boy into a man.
My hope is that his life turns out to be the most positive it can be and he is happy.

Over the past few weeks there have been challenges to over come. One of those challenges has been family (my husbands, not mine). Disagreements have taken place and it has been tough going, especially when you are confronted with someone that does not believe you are ill.
It is tough to sometimes get through the day, let alone having to explain yourself to someone that does not listen and has her own agenda. This person always complains about everything, from their health to other members of the family and is such a gossip.

All the crap just takes it out of me. Family politics...........NEVER EASY.

I love Shannon Kaiser's work

Shannon Kaiser inspires me greatly.
I recently came across this post and it resonated with me.

" Here are 10 empowering quotes from my book, Find Your Happy, to help you embrace change":

1. You can’t leave where you are until you decide where you would rather be.

2. Everything in life is a lesson; if you keep repeating the same pattern, you haven’t passed the lesson. We move forward in life by getting the lessons.

3. Life doesn’t hurt, expectations do. Things don’t happen to us, they happen for us.

4. You must make a choice to take a chance, or things will never change.

5. You don’t always need a grand plan, just take a breath, let go and be open to what happens.

6. Progress will sometimes look like a lot of failures. We have to learn what doesn’t work in order to get to what does. Don’t give up, you are closer than you think.

7. There's a difference between giving up and knowing when you've had enough. Know when enough is enough.

8. Setbacks are miracles in disguise. Always believe that things are working out in your favour.

9. Your heart is to be trusted. It knows what your head has yet to figure out.

10. When you stop chasing what your mind wants you will get what your soul needs.

Stop taking my supplements and look what happens...............................

The next step in my path to wellness was to see a Nutritionist.
My body seems to be "STUCK" and not able to rid itself of all toxins as well as not being able to absorb the great supplements that my Doctor has put me on.
So my Nutritionist has suggested to do the FODMAP Food Plan.
This is limiting foods that I already have a huge reaction to.
It was also decided to come off my supplements till this was under control.
NOT HAPPY........................................... with a reduced immune function I have ended up with some awful flu thing.
Bed ridden, snot monster who is quite unhappy with the way things are.
So I am lying here typing away with my meow meow curled up beside me. She just had a 4 sneeze, sneezing fit. So hope she is not catching my human flu......... is that even possible????

Shannon Kaiser is inspirational.............

I admire Shannon Kaiser and the way she throws everything at her life. I take great interest in reading and viewing the blogs that she puts out. I have just read a fabulous post called "30 Things to Do before you Die."  The post has come from the Mind Body Green website.

30 things to do before you die:

1. Stop worrying about debt.

2. Forgive your ex-lovers.

3. Stop trying to control your outcome.

4. Look in the mirror and love yourself unconditionally.

5. Leave the job you hate.

6. Find your purpose and live it full heartedly.

7. Adopt a furry friend.

8. Don't feel guilty for holiday weight gain.

9. Trust that everything is in right order.

10. Travel to the place you keep thinking about.

11. Try something that scares you daily.

12. Be open to change.

13. Let go of your past.

14. Stop trying to change people.

15. Stop looking for answer outside of yourself.

16. Stop thinking you did something wrong.

17. Be your weird, crazy, beautiful self.

18. Follow your heart.

19. Risk everything for love.

20. Reject rejection.

21. See the world as a beautiful, safe, and loving place.

22. See everyone as equals.

23. Give up all attachments to stuff.

24. Recognize the journey is the reward.

25. Stay hopeful and optimistic in difficult situations.

26. Welcome all life lessons.

27. See the opportunities in every challenge rather than give up.

28. Live your values.

29. Inspire others by your own bigness.

30. Play with the world.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. find out what it means to me.

Cold Turkey

The last 8 weeks I have been reducing the dosage of a drug called Effexor that I have been taking since December 2013 which was my official "Fall of the face of the Earth" time.

Who would have thought that coming off a drug could be so difficult............

This stuff is pure evil.

I went cold turkey Sunday 10th August. I am telling you the turkey ain't cold.

My brain is zapping, I move my head and I get vertigo and major dizziness. I walk downstairs and I feel like I am going to pass out. My eyes are heavy, my body is screaming, my fibromyalgia lumps have gotten out of control and to put it frankly......... things are just a little bit crazy.

I have spent many hours googling "How long do the withdrawal symptoms of Effexor last for", "How to reduce the withdrawal symptoms of Effexor" and any other dam thing that I can think of to help me through this awful process.

Anyone who says getting off this crap is easy.................................................

Last 24 Hours

Total Wipeout

I have been doing so well lately.
Last weekend I was even able to attend a function with my husband.
So I have to be thankful and grateful that I managed to do as much as I have been able to do.
Today it all crashed.
Yesterday I pushed it a little to hard. I assisted my neighbour then went to the shop on my own for the first time in 6 months. Got some groceries, prepared everything for dinner as we were having a couple of people over. Then the crash came.
I must not see this as a setback. I have to look at it as a learning curve.

Moving forward into my beautiful new life with wonderful reminders of my past.

It has been a little while since I have posted.
There have been many steps forward, some steps back and a bit of walking in the same space.
I have been working through withdrawing off a pharmaceutical drug that has been prescribed for me.
It has been a gradual lowering of the dosage over the last 4 weeks.
I have another few weeks to go to finally stop it.
So far the change in dosage has caused me to have a really bad case of INSOMNIA.
The average has been 3 hours a night over the last 4 weeks and that is with taking other tablets to sleep.

On the up side I have seen some slight improvements in my health.

The last three days I have had a beautiful friend of mine staying with us.
We have known each other for almost 30 years.
I have not caught up with Louise for about 6 years.
It was like we had never been apart.
That is the sign of a true friend.
Things never change and you can pick up from where you left off.

Saw this and laughed....... for anyone who suffers with CFS/ME or Adrenal Fatigue this is our Haiku.

Beautiful full moon....... hoping for the new phase of my life to take flight.

Resonates with me.......... what about you?

Surfing the wave........ then wipeout.

After three days in bed I am hoping I am on the up swing.
I was doing really well and was feeling like I was making significant progress.
Then BANG..... out of no where, major crash.
I am hoping it is just because I am trying to come off a particular drug and have to lower and then alternate the higher and lower dosage to withdraw from it over about 8 weeks.
My sixth wedding anniversary is coming up in two days time and I am hoping that I will be able to function and spend some time with my husband.
I guess I must be grateful. Grateful that I am not as bad as some that have this retched disease. Grateful that I have a family that loves me. Grateful that I am positive and can see myself getting better and having a wonderful future. Grateful that I have a roof over my head, good food to eat and my beautiful 15 year old cat that keeps me company when I am bed ridden.
So I have so much to be thankful and grateful for.
I just want to get well and have a fulfilling life.
I am sure it is going to happen. I just have to be patient and keep on trying.

No Time For Drama

Little bit of time between posts.

It has been a little time between posts.
There has been a little bit going on.
I have had to go and see a Psychiatrist.
My Income Protection Insurance Company directed me to go and see this Doctor for him to assess me.
Wow, it was a marathon 3 hours.
I was not prepared for the 3 hours as they did not tell me.
Total crash after it. Took me a few days to get back on my feet.
So after fighting my way back, I then had to get my blood pressure monitored as it was all over the place like a mad woman's breakfast.
I had it fitted and then went home to return the next day to have it removed.
Well, I lasted till 1am with it on.
Every 30 minutes the machine took my blood pressure.
Due to the pressure placed on my arm combined with my fibromyalgia/M.E. my arm swelled to twice it's size and was so painful.
To cut a long painful story short, after many Epsom salt baths, constantly using a T.E.N.'s machine, using pain relief and not sleeping due to pain for a few days.....................my wonderful acupuncturist moved the fluid and the fibro lumps.
The arm took about 4 days to go down.
So all in all, it has not been a bed of roses, but it could always be worse.
I have to see an Occupational Physician next as directed by the insurance company.
I guess they are just doing their job....... but geeeeeeezzzzzzzzz. I want to be back at work. I want to have my old life back.
They just don't understand................and to tell you the truth..... I wish I understood this disease and could fix myself.
As my mum says......"Don't sweat what you cannot change"

Sometimes find myself grieving for the things I have lost.

When lying in my bed and thinking of all the friends that have fallen by the way side due to my illness and inability to keep in touch......... I do feel sad.
There are many things I have had to grieve over. I just hope that I can get through this dreaded illness and come out the other side stronger.

Sharing as this sums up sooooooooooo much

This is so true and exactly how I feel.
Kudos to the author. I have attached the link below.
http://patienttalk.org/i-dont-look-sick-please-share-this-brilliant-graphic-from-donnee-spencer-telling-us-about-life-with-am-invisible-illness/

To have my old life back would be a dream come true...............

Pain levels v Prescription drugs.......................................

I have to admit, I have been struggling over the last few weeks with pain levels.
I find myself getting cranky and short tempered with the one's I love and then realise it is because I just try and ignore the pain and hope it will just go away.
One positive thing that has happened is my acupuncturist put me on to using a pilates roller.
It hurts like hell when rolling into a spot that has a fibromyalgia lump but after you break through that pain barrier and work the fluid out...... the relief then comes.
I find it especially helpful for my hips, neck and shoulder areas.
The T.E.N's machine also assists.
This afternoon I did both. It took me 2 and a 1/2 hours to get through it all but maybe I will be able to sleep tonight.
My husband has gone for a motorbike ride this evening. I feel bad sometimes that I have no energy to have a normal relationship with my husband like we used to have pre- CFS/ME.
I will get back to normality sometime soon I hope.
I just want my life back, to be able to work, to see my friends, to go and see a band with my husband, to laugh, love and live a fabulous life.
One Day................

It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life...........................

Has been a little while since I last had the energy to record an entry into my blog. I guess this blog for me is really to document the words, feeling and actions that sometimes are not able to be expressed.

I have been on a rollercoaster ride of emotions, fatigue issues, health issues and in general........ LIFE ISSUES.

My husband and I are slowly unravelling what the rest of our lives are going to look like.
Yesterday we visited, for the second time, the place we are considering calling home.
This place is 40 acres at Crossdale. It is an old camp ground that has a lot of potential to run as a business as well as living a semi-self sufficient life in the clean air.
Just spending an hour walking around the property cleansed my soul and my lungs.
I was fatigued when I got home, but for the sake of my health I believe I need to be in the country.

My parents came out and had a look as well. I value my parents opinion and they have been to many camp grounds and with Dad's architectural background it was great to get some honest feedback on what was usable and what was not.

There is a little more work to go yet before we decide that this is "the place" as we will have to speak with Council on what we are proposing, finalise the business plan, look at the financials, sell the Townhouse, build a new house etc etc etc.

Who would have thought 12 months ago that this is where I would be at.

You have to dare to dream and then take that dream and turn it into reality.

Total Crash

This will be a short post today.
My body has totally crashed.
Sore everywhere, fuzzy head and thinking, can't get out of bed apart from doing the basics, swollen glands, sore eyes and throat and just a general "run over by a truck" feeling.
I hate this disease.
Stress exacerbates it and I have had a lot of that in the last few weeks.
That on the up side, looks like it is coming to a close.
And with the help of my sister and family, a positive result occurred.
The bully has been stopped.
Time to rest now.

Positivity

Image courtesy of  "The Letters of Gratitude"

How can you thank a person who has fought for you when you are too sick to fight?

Today has been a day that feels like the start to a new life.
There have been many months of sleepless nights, exacerbated pain and fatigue, worry, anxiety, sadness and overall disbelief that one person could be so vengeful, down right mean and dishonest.
My sister, with all her crazy life full of fighting everyone's battles, spent 2 hours fighting my battle due to the fact that I am too sick at the moment to fight anymore.
The truth did prevail.
The bullies have been stopped.
The lesson learned for me is to stay true to your belief.
Accept help when you need it.
Look towards a more positive future.
Do not just accept the bullying behaviour that someone dumps on you.
Just because someone says it does not make it fact.
Just because someone hires a big fancy lawyer to fight their lies does not hide the lies and untruths that they tell.
Be true to yourself and stand strong in your convictions.
Make sure you appreciate everything that is done for you and tell them.
Most importantly..... be humble and thankful.

This INSOMNIA is driving me crazy...........

It has been 6 days of insomnia and Fibromyalgia associated pain which has been challenging my resolve.
I have been sticking to my NO SLEEPING during the day rule but geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez.
Tossing, turning, watching the nothingness that is on late night/early morning TV.
My eyes hurt, my fibro lumps in my shoulders, neck, back and down my legs ache.
I am short tempered, dry throat, sore glands, headachy and just downright irritable.
I empty my head of all the crap that rolls around in it, I de-stress and meditate...... but alas no sleep is forth coming.
Can't get comfortable lying down, sitting up or standing...... guess it is just a major flare up and it will eventually settle.
More than 2 hours sleep would be nice... please... sometime this week.......

Wipe Out

Have just had a major crash and been in bed for the last 2 days.
I hate this disease.
Stress makes it 100 times worse.
My mind is willing but the body just ain't.
I have been wanting to get a few things done.
Things around the house and simple grooming things for me. Things like washing the tiles in the bathroom, or putting a colour in my hair or shaving my legs........................... it sometimes takes me weeks to work up the energy.
I would love my old life back.
The life that allowed me to work in a job that I loved, run my own business in the music industry, go out to gigs, have a brilliant fun filled family life and to be able bodied and productive in all facets of my life.
One day someone will find a cure that works.
Until then......... one day at a time.

Insomnia...... punishment for worry and thinking toooooooooo much

It has not been a particularly great week this week.
I have had bouts of increased pain and many episodes of insomnia.
At first I put it down to a change in food and the stressful episode that my body seems to be going through at the moment......  now I am not sure.
Maybe it is just my active brain and the fact that sometimes I am just simply a bit of a worry wart.

I have managed to cut almost 100% of sugar out of my diet apart from occasional fruit sugar.
So when I have sugar it makes massive changes to my system and all the nasty things occur in a short period of time.

I have been trying to use all the techniques I have been taught to try and alleviate any stress from my life but it seems to be a little difficult at this time.
I have an ex-boss who seems intent on destroying me and my solid reputation. There is no basis for said ex-boss to be running this vendetta apart from the fact that she has a track record of doing this to everyone that she feels in some way has wronged her.

I have to keep trying to remember that when situations like this occur it is more often than not all about the other person and their issues not about me.
The problem is that I have just been too sick to stand up to the bullying and constant harassment that has some from said ex-boss.
I am just really lucky to have one of my sisters who is the most amazing human being. Tough exterior but solid gold through and through. She has fought for me when I have had nothing in the tank.
My husband has also been amazing. I have had to hold him back a few times as his anger towards said ex-boss has been fierce.

I guess I always knew that getting sick and not being able to work for a while was going to be problematic to the company that I was working for. I would have understood if they had simply said that they could not hold my job open any longer. Being fired for trumped up charges that are simply untruths and out and out lies is just a little hard to swallow.
If I didn't love my job and career I could have just chalked it up to a bad experience.
But giving 150% and working 7 days a week for approx. 7 months straight............... come on.

As sick as I currently am, I simply cannot let my reputation and career disappear down the toilet. There is a defined line between right and wrong and the ex-boss has crossed over it.
No one ever stands up to the ex-boss (bully) so said ex-boss gets away with it.
NO MORE.
I am just really blessed to have my sister in my corner.
My sister who is my power of attorney.
My sister that will speak up on my behalf until I am well to take on this fight when the truth will be told and ex-bosses (bullies) will be put in their place and know that they cannot bully everyone.

It is now 4am and I have been awake for a number of hours now. Maybe it is time to try and get some sleep.

Insomnia and strange goings on........

For anyone that has Fibromyalgia or lives with someone that has it you will relate to the things that I express in my blog.

I have not advertised to anyone that I am writing this blog. It is simply a way for me to get everything that rolls around in my head, out of my head so I can make a little more sense of what happens on a semi regular basis.

Sometimes I have not idea what is going on with my body. I find that I have strange reactions to things.
Reactions to stress are the major ones. The others can be as simple as a change in the weather, eating food that does not agree with me or simple things like doing to much during the day.

This evening I am suffering from  Insomnia, which has reared it's ugly head twice over the span of 7 days.
Tonight is a little different as along with the insomnia, I have developed a fist sized pocket of fluid on my right side sitting on my ribs.
So which ever way I try to lie in bed, I cannot get comfortable.

I hear my husband snoring away loudly in the bedroom whilst I continue to clock watch and see if I can get at least a little sleepy and try to bring down the pain level to at least a 4 so I can fall asleep.

I don't like my chances at this stage.

It is now 1am and at 9am I am supposed to take my 15 year old cat to the vet to have her stitches taken out. Maybe I might have had a little sleep prior to doing this.

My beautiful girl is 15 years old which is quite old for a meow meow. She has been a constant in my life and has got me through some tough times.
She has also had her fair share of health complaints over the last year or so.
She always is there for me. The days that I have been confined to my bed and really unwell she will jump up and lie beside me.
Giving her love and attention by gentle pats and her purring has quietly calmed me in times of absolute distress.

One cannot underestimate the devotion and unconditional love that an animal can give you....... even a CAT.
As we all know, dogs have masters and cat's have staff. LOL

One day I am hoping that this dreaded autoimmune disease goes into remission or simply disappears as quickly as the onset. I have heard of it happening and I just want it to happen sooner rather than later to me............................

I want to get my life back. I want to go back to work. I want to contribute positively in my life choices instead of having to deal with things on a day to day basis.
I want to have a social life again. I want to go out and see a band, I want to have more intimate times with my significant other. I want to go for longs walks, to go on holidays, to be in car for longer than 2 hours, or have to cut and run from events due to the fact that I have to lie down.

I want so much but at the same time so little.
I don't want a million dollars, I don't want to be famous.

I simply want my life back so I can enjoy the most precious things in it.

Amazing how your body reacts to things.........

For weeks I have managed to keep myself on an even keel.
All it takes is one hiccup and things are thrown off balance.

Stress is one of those things that really effect someone with Fibromyalgia.
I am currently dealing with lawyers and a workplace issue..... or should say former workplace.

Since the issue has been raised my fatigue has increased and fluid has swollen my left leg again.

My acupuncturist just commented last Tuesday on how well my body was going and that we had managed to get rid of and keep the fluid swelling in my legs at bay.

I guess you just have to get back on the horse and ride into a new beautiful life and work out what is worth the fight and who is worth fighting for.

I just read this article and found it really inspiring. Thought I would share it. Thank you Ashley Fern.

The 20 Things You Need To Let Go To Be Happy

Wellness • Ashley Fern • Jul 19, 2013 - 11:44am

Everyone has one common goal in life: to achieve true happiness. The biggest factor holding us back from achieving our dreams is, simply and sadly, our own selves. We put limitations on ourselves everyday, whether intentionally or unintentionally. There are so many ways we can alleviate these restraints.

Remember, life can either be something you embrace or something you hide from. Stop making things complicated and just live your life. It would be so much simpler and more enjoyable if we learned to just release certain limitations.

Let’s take a look at the things you need to let go of in order to become a happier person.

 

1. The Approval Of Others

 

Who gives a sh*t what other people think? If you are happy with the decisions you have made, then whose business is that but your own? Think of how much you could achieve if you stopped letting other people’s opinions dictate the way you live your life. Do you, and engage in whatever actions you think might better your life.

 

2. Anger/Resentment

 

Anger will eat at you from the inside. Learn how to make peace with those who have wronged you. This isn’t about letting the other person off the hook; it’s about alleviating the pain that resonates within you. Keep in mind that he who angers you, controls you.

“Life becomes easier when you learn to accept an apology you never got.”

3. Negative Body Image

 

There is only one person’s opinion you should be concerned with when it comes to your body and that is you. No one person determines what the “correct” body type is. If you are comfortable in your own skin, and you are healthy, then that should be the only thing that matters. Do not let others tell you that you’re not beautiful because if you believe you are, then you are.

 

4. Idea Of A Perfect Partner

 

There is no such thing as a perfect partner, so throw your checklist out the window. In life, what prevents us from moving forward is looking at the perfect image of a partner we concoct in our minds. Find the right person for you: one that you can love with all your heart, one you feel comfortable with and one that accepts you for the person you are. The sooner you realize there isn’t one perfect person out there for you, the better off you will be.

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” – Bob Marley

5. Perfect Life

 

Just like there is no perfect partner, there is also not a perfect life. Life is what you put into it, so if you are not willing to work hard and put forth effort, you will most likely end up miserable. The choices you make will directly reflect the life you lead. It is up to you to create the best possible world for yourself.

 

6. You’re Going To Be Rich

 

Too many people live their lives with the thought that they will be millionaires. While this can be a realistic goal for some, it is not something that can be achieved without hard work and dedication. Stop letting money be your sole motivator; find a career you are passionate about and immerse yourself in it completely.

 

7. The Idea That Good Fortune Will Arrive At Your Doorstep

 

You need to go out into the world and actively look for fulfillment. You cannot take a backseat in life and expect things to happen for you. Appreciate the life you live, and be grateful for what you have. Value each minute of every day. Live like there’s no tomorrow, and make the most out of any situation.

 

8. Excuses

 

Make no time for excuses. You want to work out, but you don’t have the time? Wake up early and get your gym on. Excuses are only rationalizations that make you feel better about yourself for not doing something you want/need to be doing. You desire results? Stop bitching, and start doing.

9. Thoughts Of Your Ex

 

This person is your ex for a reason. If you are going to think of him or her at all, try and think only about the lessons the experience taught you. Do not linger on any old feelings, as this will only prevent you from being happy with someone else in the future.

 

10. Stubbornness

 

I know it’s hard to admit, but sometimes you are just wrong. Other people have just as much capability as you do in providing the correct answer, so stop being stubborn and just embrace it. The less stubborn you act, the more open you are to learning new things. Think of all you could be exposed to if you stopped believing in opinions other than your own.

 

11. Procrastination

 

Stop thinking you will finally get to whatever task is at hand tomorrow. Live in the present, and get your sh*t done when it needs to be done. Maximize your time to the best of your ability. Complete each task you need to as soon as you can. This allows you to feel free from worry and stress by getting things out of the way as soon as possible. You also allow yourself more free time to enjoy the things you love.

 

12. Your Baggage

 

We have all been hurt one time or another by someone we loved, or we thought we loved. Carrying negative feelings into future relationships will only prove to be disastrous. No two people are the same, so it’s unfair to hold a future partner to a standard set by an ex. Try to begin each new relationship with a clean slate.

 

13. Negativity

 

What you put out into the universe will come back to you, so change the way you think, immediately. Stop thinking of life as a glass half empty, but rather, half full. You have so much to be grateful for, if only you took a moment to appreciate it. Anything is possible in the mind of a positive thinker.

 

14. Judgmental Thoughts

 

Why do people feel the need to constantly worry about what is going on in other people’s lives? If we spent as much time worrying about our own behaviors as we do worrying about those of others, our lives would be a whole lot more meaningful. You have no idea what is going on in another person’s life, so who are you to pass judgment on the way they act?

 

15. Jealousy

 

Happiness is not having what you want; it’s wanting what you have. Stop envying others and learn to appreciate what you have. Everyone’s life is unique; you have certain things to offer that others cannot. When we act in a jealous manner, all we do is bring negative feelings into our lives. There is absolutely nothing to gain from behaving this way.

 

16. Insecurity

 

Happy people tend to have extremely high levels of self-esteem. They accept who they are and work it everyday of their lives. They radiate confidence, flaunt their pride and give off positive vibes. There is no reason to be insecure in life. If there are things you are self-conscious about, go out into the world and seek to change them. Only you have the ability to create the best version of yourself.

 

17. Depending On Others For Happiness

 

At the end of the day, the only person you can count on 100 percent of the time is yourself. Do not make the unfortunate mistake many people do and put your happiness in the hands of others. A relationship is not going to fulfill the void if you can’t even make yourself happy. You need to achieve happiness on your own before you can find someone else to share it with. This creates a detrimental dependency that will prevent you from becoming self-sufficient.

 

18. The Past

 

Stop living in the past! There is virtually nothing you can gain if you wallow in mistakes you have previously made. Take past mistakes as lessons learned, and move forward. You cannot wholeheartedly move on to a better future if you are constantly looking behind you. Things happened, and that’s that. Take them with a grain of salt and move on.

 

19. The Need For Control

 

Sometimes you just need to let life happen the way it is meant to. You cannot spend your life stressing about things that are outside of your control. Try to relax, and let things play out naturally. Embrace the unknown, as this is where you will be surprised the most. Let yourself be whisked into unforeseen endeavors, and relish in the excitement they bring.

 

20. Expectations

 

Managing your expectations is the key to happiness. If you let go of expectations, you will never be disappointed. Often, we tend to believe that the way we treat others will be the way we are treated in return. Unfortunately, this does not always happen. Do not expect a certain result from any given situations. Go into an experience with an open mind. This will allow you to fully immerse yourself, without the pressure of living up to preconceived notions.

Ashley Fern

Ashley comes to Elite Daily from the happiest valley in State College, Pennsylvania. She was born and raised between New York and South Florida, but spent the most fun years at Penn State, proving you can have the best time of your life by doing things you can't remember. She divides her time between binge-watching “Entourage,” giving unwanted opinions and convincing herself that she will one day marry Dwyane Wade. For more unadulterated fun follow her on Twitter and Instagram at @Disco_Infern0.

Managing the "Crash" times having ME/CFS

It is difficult for someone that has not been exposed to a person who has Fibromyalgia to understand what it is all about.

It is not just fatigue like symptoms. It can be a whole heap of unexplained aches, pains, burning pain, headaches, unexplained lumps and masses...... and the list can go on.

Stress can cause huge issues physically as well as emotionally.

For some reason I am currently experiencing a "crash".
Not sure if it is season related, stress reaction related or simply just one of those things.
Spending large amounts of time resting does my head in and is difficult to deal with.
Small things take a large amount of energy.

One of the major things I have learnt since my "what I call the definitive crash" on 12th December 2013, is that pacing is the key to having some sort of normal life back again.

Even pacing sometimes does not stop the crashes.

Recognising the signs, making yourself stop, having supportive people around you as well as trusting your Doctor and medically professionals who have experience with Fibromyalgia also helps.

Before my "definitive crash" I took life on at 150% throttle. I just kept pushing through it in the hope that I would just get better and my life would return to normal.

There are some things that you just can't push through.

Walking in the same place and just marking time.......

I feel like I have been walking in the same place for the few weeks now.
On the 15th of this month I have a conciliation hearing relating to my previous employer.
It has all been really nasty business and for what reason I am unsure.
My only guess is that it is not about me but the other person who has some pretty major issues.
I actually feel sorry for this person in a lot of ways. Mainly because it must take so much energy to have so much venom, hate and nastiness inside of them.

I have been sick for a long time and have struggled to keep going. I am thankful and eternally grateful for my support network.
Without my sister, my husband and my family I would not have made it this far.
My sister has shouldered so many of my burdens, she has become angry when I did not have the energy to do so, she has spoken sense to me when I just wanted everything to simply go away.
Bullies should not be let get away with the behaviour that they display and the things that they do to people.

One of the other things that has kept me going is the dreaming of our bright new future.
My husband and I will buy our property.
We will have a self sufficient life that we can enjoy, learn from, invite others to share and most importantly grow old together living the best life that we can possibly have.

This morning on "The Letters of Gratitude" I read something that resonated with me and I want to share it.

"Repeat this to yourself every morning. I will embrace change because as awkward as it feels, I know I am being prepared for something bigger and better."  
 

I dreamed a dream in times gone by..............

Dreaming of my new life filled with open spaces, clean air, self sufficiency, organically grown fruit and vegetables, my little café using our produce which will be open on Friday, Saturday and Sunday, a whole heap of organic egg laying chickens, my soul mate beside me living a beautiful life.

Due to my illness I have trouble being in the car for long distances. I generally do not do so well if I am in the car travelling for more than 2 hours.
So we have been looking for our dream property not more than 1 and a 1/2 from Brisbane. It has to be between 20 to 40 acres, fit for our purpose and at the right price.

We have looked at a couple of places. Some have potential.

I am sure the right thing will appear and all will fall into place,

I am now leaving it up to the universe to provide the right thing for us.

The last 5 years have been tough and as a family we have struggled through them.
There were times where I did not think I was on the right path.
I had to dig deep and ask myself some really hard questions and face some really harsh realities.

Creating stillness in my world allowed me to see the potential of what we could do, where we could go and what our future will look like.

I thank the people who have treated me badly as they have shown me that I deserve better.
I am grateful to the people who have had faith and love for me. They are the people who have been there to catch me when I have fallen.

Out of adversity comes a big bright beautiful future.

The letters of gratitude.............

Working out what you don't want, leads you to uncover what you DO want

It was a tough road travelled in 2013. I was working in a job that was quite demanding, for a boss who was a challenge to work for, with an out of control workload.
My family complained about my behaviour, I was always fatigued, I worked 7 days a week for about 7 - 8 months and I did not have any fun in my life.

The universe kept throwing things at me to get me to stop and take care of myself.
Of course I did not listen and kept pushing myself to get through each day, then each month till something had to give.

As a result I ended up incredibly ill, unable to work and looking at my life through very sad eyes.

I had spent my whole time trying to keep it together and giving 150% to work, that the rest of my life, my family and friends got none of me.
All relationships take work to sustain them.

So after crashing in December of 2013 due to adrenal fatigue and Fibromyalgia, I was forced to stop and breathe.
4 months since my crash date I am slowly putting the pieces back together.
There are still challenges to face both with my health as well as unfair treatment from my previous place of employment.

I feel positive that this will all work itself out. I am learning the lessons that are required for me to have the life I deserve.

Remembering that you are never presented with more than you can handle is important.

One thing that has made a difference in my everyday life is stumbling across this website.
http://thelettersofgratitude.com/

Being grateful is so important and this website puts things into perspective.

What's it all about???

Have you ever asked yourself the age old question "what is this life time all about and why am I continually presented with challenging situations" ???

I have been asking myself these questions for a little while now. I think that I am slowly unravelling and making some sense of the things that have challenged me over the last few years.

The biggest thing that has entered my consciousness is that I have cared about what other people have thought of me too much and allowed this to drive everything that I was doing.

I guess I figured that if I gave 150% of me and continued to work as hard as I could, then everything would be fabulous.

That was mistake number one.

There are some people in this world that will always take advantage of others. There are bullies that are passive aggressive. These people think that it is OK to push someone to the extreme, to manipulate situations and break people down. The really sad part is that these bullies enjoy it.

My world for the last 11 years has been in a work environment that was supposed to be supportive of the "underdog, the vulnerable workers, the people that needed support".
Some of the people driving these organisations need to take a good hard look at themselves as the behaviours that they want to stamp out, are the behaviours that they are placing upon the workers they employ.

The old adage ........... the builder lived in an unfinished house.

The second mistake that I can pinpoint is that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am a very open and honest person and I guess this has gotten me into trouble on more than one occasion.
I do not want to have to apologise for being what I consider to be kind and caring.
If someone asks me for help that if I am able I will be there.

There are people in this world that are calculating, manipulating and just black of heart. They would never help another person unless there was something in it for them.
The other thing that I have discovered is that sometimes these people napalm everyone and everything around them. This is to make sure they always appear to the outside world that they are strong, in control and no one should dare take them on or challenge them.

I say to that....................WHO CARES.......No one has to be right all the time.

What a sad and lonely existence if you have to burn everyone that ever cared a single smidge about you and your life.
How sad to think of yourself as a tough cookie that no one dares to mess with.
Some people are not honest and do not tell it how it is. They are afraid of being caught up in the napalm so choose to remain silent. So the bullies get away with their behaviour as no one wants to get involved or say NO THIS BEHAVIOUR IS WRONG.

It reminds me of a clip that I saw on facebook the other day. A guy in South Africa was filmed playing his drums in the complex in which he lived. His neighbours knocked on his door and told him to stop and how dare he disturb them. The next week he played a disturbing domestic violence audio track at the same noise level through his stereo system. Not one person knocked on his door...............

My goal in 2014 is to open myself up to new horizons, kick this CFS/ME disease or at least manage it so I can have a fulfilling life, live each day as it comes with love and light in my heart and to not associate with the negative, black hearted people that stomp through this lifetime crushing all in their path.